There You'll Be
by Med Bajer
Summary: Songfic from Todd's POV. Todd muses on Neil's death, coming to terms with it and himself. Not meant to be slash, but can be intepreted as such.


There You'll Be 

Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. Not the song, nor the characters. Don't sue me! "There You'll Be" is by Faith Hill.

****

When I think back on these times 

_And the dreams we left behind_

_I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed to get_

To have you in my life 

I was never anyone before I came here. Even when I came here, I first felt that I could _never_ be anyone… Most people knew me as the younger Anderson, the little brother of the valedictorian. Most people didn't even _know_ me, apart from my name. Even then, the Anderson came out more than Todd. You changed all that, did you know?

I felt that dread on our first day, when your friends – now my friends too – came into the room and you started talking to them. I know it was selfish, but I had hoped that you too, were friendless - just so that I could have someone else to feel lonely with.

But after that, I wasn't all that lonely anymore.

You helped me, Neil, more than anyone will ever know. I know what I want now in life, do you understand? I guess you do. You left us all because you knew what you want – and you couldn't hold on to it.

When I look back on these days 

_I'll look and see your face_

_You were always there for me_

I'm writing a poem now, a poem for you. _Another_ poem for you. Did you ever receive them, the verses I had inscribed with my sincerity in every letter? I've burned each one into ashes and thrown them into the air. I know they'll reach you, even though Knox and the others say it's absurd. I need to believe that you're still there, somewhere.

Poetry's my only outlet now, it seems, even though I never had anything else in the first place to turn to, save for you.

You gave me that gift – you gave me the knowledge that I could write, that poetry wasn't just for geniuses like Whitman and Kipling. It was the Captain, Mr. Keating, that told us that, but it was you who let me _believe _that.

Thank you.

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky 

_In my heart _

_There'll always be a place for you_

For all my life I'll keep a part of you with me 

_And everywhere I am there you'll be_

_And everywhere I am _

_There you'll be_

It's really funny that we even became friends, Neil. Like I said to you seemingly a long time ago, you were smart and loud, and everyone listened to you.

Me? I was quiet and I didn't know half the things my brother had already been spouting at my age. I had grown up feeling inadequate and useless.

I had thought you were stronger than me, Neil. I had seen you laughing off everything that I feared – talking before people, even personal demons. I never told you this before too, but I thought you were invincible. I thought all along that you were the strongest person I had ever known.

But you just had to leave. You just had to take that gun out, just when everything seemed to be going great. You just had to die before your time. It shocked me, like it did everyone. But it scared me too, to know that someone I had looked up to so much had done this.

Were you trying to run away, my friend? I'm so horribly selfish, because I don't want to think that your father would have been your greatest, and deadliest, fear after I had seen you conquer so much with your courage.

Or perhaps it was the fear of losing what you had just found, losing your love of life.

Well, you showed me how it feels 

_To feel the sky within my reach_

_And I always will remember all _

The strength you gave to me 

I wish you could have seen us on that day, that sad day that our Captain left. It was the day I found my courage alone. When I stood up on that desk, I thought of you. I thought that you would have been the first one to do so had your empty desk been occupied. But then I remembered that if you had not gone at all, then none of that would have happened. That I never would have found that courage had you not been gone.

It was so ironic that I felt frightened afterwards. I felt like a traitor, benefiting even that little bit from your death.

Knox told me that there was nothing wrong with that, that your passing changed things, although for the worse he could not truly say. I thought long about his words after he walked out of the classroom trying to hide his tears, but I still haven't understood what he really meant. Do you know, Neil? Can you tell me?

Your love made me make it through 

_Oh, I owe so much to you_

_You were always there for me._

I miss you. You were not, ultimately, just that pillar of strength and inspiration that I have been saying you to be. You were my friend. You always will be. I don't know how else to say it without making it sound clichéd.

Do you know, after you left, I started thinking a lot. I'm going to do things with my life now. I'm not going to be in my brother's shadow anymore. I'm going to write poetry, and I want to be published. And when that happens, I will thank you first of all. Your name will be the first word on my book.

Neil, I really miss you. I don't know how to say it in any other way. They wanted to move me out of the dorm room, but I said no. I didn't even let them take away your bed. I don't know why I'm doing this; maybe it's because I need something of you left behind for me to still _have_.

Yesterday night, I just sat there for hours, staring at your empty mattress. I tried to pretend you were still there, that you would wake up after a while and ask me why I wasn't asleep. You never did. All those inner demons that I thought I had conquered long ago came back again, and I started saying your name over and over again. I wanted you to come and tell me everything was going to be okay, like you used to do. I wanted you to talk to me, and just give me the comfort of your presence but you aren't there anymore.

I stopped trying to hide my tears, because I knew no one was there to see me anymore.

_'Cause I always saw in you  
My light, my strength  
And I want to thank you  
Now for all the ways  
You were right there for me  
You were right there for me  
For always_

But you did far more for me than just showing me I could write and being there to hold me when I cried. You taught me to believe.

You were right; I wasn't stirred up at all by the Captain's words. At least, not initially.

But I remember the day I went to look for you after your rehearsal. I remember what you said, every single word. I can even hear you say it to me right now. Neil, I want so much for you to come back and say it to me right now.

"You don't have to care about that safety net when you know it'll have to break someday, anyway. Just jump, Todd. You don't have to give a damn about what your parents and other people will think. It's your life, isn't it? Go do what you want, Todd. You don't ever have to look back. Just take that first step and continue with it, like I did. Do it."

I have, my friend, I _have_.

And you know what? Now everything is strangely exhilarating. You liberated me with your encouragement and words. I believe I can do anything now, Neil. And I know it's possible.

I've caught dreams I've never even known before. I've started writing a novel yesterday, did you know?

I love you, my friend. And I miss you and feel the pain of loss, but I know you never meant for me to follow you down that dark path. I contemplated that for a while after you left, but I never found _that_ kind of courage to end my life. Not now.

And maybe that's why you were the bravest of us all, because you had that additional strength and resolution to heed your death's call. But I'm not like you, Neil. Maybe I'm just afraid, or maybe I just love life too much. But it doesn't matter.

This isn't farewell, Neil. I know you live in my heart now, and that's all I need. And some of your courage I now have. You're with me, Neil.

You were never truly gone.

In my dreams 

_I'll always see you soar above the sky_

_In my heart_

_There'll always be a place for you_

_For all my life_

_I'll keep a part of you with me_

_And everywhere I am,_

_There you'll be_

_And everywhere I am, _

_There you'll be._

fin


End file.
